Work, frustration, family, hope and ☺

I don’t understand what I meant today by the words “run away”
Coz that’s precisely what I feel like today…
I feel I am standing in front of a fake mirror,
That’s showing me a picture of happiness in the future…
Its futile…and don’t want to believe it anymore

I thought this would never happen…
But whatever did, it wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t happy
I hate to see the 2 two strongest of my life go weak
And I hate to see myself get stronger
I m already a rock left with hardly any emotions
And I don’t understand when will things get better

I am risk adverse, I have realized
I hate uncertainty
And now I m that scared
That I have come to believe this is as far as I can take it
That no apology counts beyond this
That I know I don’t deserve this shit

I wont run away…Ill look at the fake mirror and make real dreams..
I wont cry, I’ll look at the world and say come defeat me if you can
I wont apologize, I’ll take a new stand of listening to what I feel is right
Tough are times…but I’ll show to Him…I am tougher!

i wish i could be at peace...but i cant
i wanna hope n pray that everything gets btter...but it doesnt

I promise I'll stand by this.

pain

Pain is something in life, the more you talk about the more it gets exposed. If you dont talk about it, it remains like a neverhealing wound.
I have been accused often-of sharing it too much...so for the past few months
I have left it silent, within, unspoken if not hidden...one reason I have stopped writing, commenting.

Its awesome...self realization means nothing...people never realize till something happens
till someone makes it spoken or acts in a way its there...

I have stopped demanding...I dont ask...ignore, smile and learn to say "np". Try to accept things the way they are..leave the permanence behind...and assume it will all change...and change for the better..
and did I say assume...there would like to add 2 more words...assume a fiction, it never happens...nothing really changes for the better, it changes to make you stronger.

while this laid back approach has made me largely silent and passive, it has taught me to ignore, to not think about the OBVIOUS. Maturity in today's world is very wrongly mistaken for basically letting shit happen and not complain.

I feel Gods forcing me badly to say- I wanna stop being the one who always gives up, who always loves, who always care. I now wanna be the one who receives, who's loves, who gets the caring and nurturing and who wants to smile.

Today, I remember the person I was-2 years back. Its a similar feeling and a similar visual- that of someone who has woken up every morning and slept every night crying with absolutely no1 noticing. Its a nice feeling today, coz atleast I am not accused of sharing too much.

peace...

last few days have been jus...there...some form or another...
jus one of those u wanna hold but let go..
lots of uncertainty...lots of surprises...some good ones...some unacceptable..

I fought for my rights and I am pained to see the good happen...
this is exactly wat I felt a yr ago wen aunty had left me back in OPH...
everything that happened was what i hoped for...
and I prayed n prayed harder that I could undo what i asked for

My patience paid of....my voice was heard...
I have a new respect for self now...
for my rights...for everything that's mine...

I dunno how I have learnt the art to focus on one thing
U either love or u hate...decide do one...
wen u do both u end up doing really bad
but honestly...its not hard to just keep loving some1 and ignoring the tiny bits n pieces...
I have been loving him...not gettin mad at him..
jus listening like hes a baby...
who just needs that care...that attention...that smile to keep life moving...

I dunno where I m headed...but i know for sure that I am happy

Time

so I havent been blogging oflately...
been sick for a bit and then midterms..
n then just being lazy ...lol

I have started working out like crazy...
n its fun..
become really tolerant...understanding...resisted the urge to go angry
kinda proud of myself on that front...

been praying for a friend...been hoping things work out with family:)
but all in all...positiveness..in every thing i do
spoke to sisy a while ago...:D miss the times with her:p

tickets booked for May 1st..
a little apprehensive about going back home...
but it would be great to get tests done again...
see whats going on down there..lol