as its gettin closer to bidding farewell...

"Jaage hain der tak hamein
Kuch der sone do
Thodi si raat aur hai
Subaah toh hone do

Aadhe adhoore khaab jo
Poore na ho sake
Ek baar phir se neend mein
Who khaab bone do"

watchin things fallin in place

i was watching darsh in the mall...

he would pick up different things from different places and then mix them up everywhere...

then he would see how sad I was with all the mess...then begin placing things where they belonged...

Of lately...I have seen some divine power do the same to me...

Things are getting back in place...one by one...

each incident...each person...

Yest was one changing day in my life...uneventful...but so powerful to make me sing and dance everywhere...

There's some power old friends possess...no matter how immature a few can be...lol

One more thing I learnt oflately...mainly impressed by pursuit of happiness which i saw years ago...

that we can never be happy...we can only pursue that feeling...and work towards making self happy...Sometimes,  I realized too, that it just impossible to not love someone with all you have..impossible...coz thats the person who has selflessly taken care of you...in them and with them you have seen the world, cherished your dreams which has felt like spending a lifetime...examples of such people could be as simple as your parents/friends and as complicated as your boyfriend/girlfriend...You cant help but see the world in their faces...and some bitchy times make u bitter but you still look in their eyes to find that world...

On that note- I want to add, many of my grudges, misunderstandings have been cleared...my frustration is being channeled into reading, going out...its no longer haphazard without a reason...I am analyzing every bit of my feelings before throwing a few frustrating nonsensical words at people...I feel like my thought process and words have direction...i feel i have taken a huge step towards getting matured and I want to remain so for the rest of the yr...so here on christmas eve...my new yr resolution is ready too...heheh...

God bless us all...n support us through pressing times...

fear...

heart stops for a moment
to see somethin u dont want to
to hear somethin u dont want to

m really scared
with many things goin wrong
if times arent wrong n neither m i
then wats all this

shut are my eyes..
shut are my ears
with all this fear
to face

i m the face in the mirror
who cant face her own eyes
my heart goes out to u n ur family
my heart goes out to u sister
courage he shall give
jus hold ur patience
for yet one another trial in life

=)

i dunno wat i want...

but i m a lot more confident...stronger...

i dont know wats making me smile...

he who gave me thi new msn...or he who called me several times for small shitty things..

lol

i dont care...n i love it...thanks u=)

...

emptiness...

family...

leader...

understanding...

quiet...

happiness...

smile...

support...

loneliness...

tears...

fed up...

friends...

rough...

uneasy...

unfairness...

silence...

bear...

control...

more tears...

doha...

mom...

villa # 19

hug...

injustice...

heartbroken...mm..lol

better safe then sorry...

go slow...lol

So i found out today tht 96% is committed...n tht too very loyally...

m i heartbroken...m may b...

but m glad this time God didnt take too long...

n now i understand u better too mr.96% and all ur weirdness...

bad exam...need to get working really hard for the next one...

but gud day...made me grow a little more stronger...

home is where u r...

mom...i know u love me n miss me...

n u really dont havto feel guilty of not been able to make it here...

i promise..u'll never have to in life

had i ever thought i culdnt have done it, i wouldnt have come here in the first place...

i pray n wish that u have pleasant stay over at her apartment...

where my heart lies in the beats of that city...

n its funny...tht home is where u r mom,

n its true that when u r here...

this stupid place becomes home too...

some decisions in life dont come after hrs of thinking..

they come with a heads or tails...

they come with vibes...

now that we meet...i promise u wont cry of having to see me leave....

so true is whoever who said...no1 in this little world is more true to you..than they who give birth...excited about home...:):):)

i dont have much to look frwd to

i feel really strange...m i have decided that i'll give words to my emotions...

coz i feel i cant talk m heart out..i'll talk it here...

i cried today...

once at 12...then after i hung up...

i saw myself in the mirror and felt bad for making a fool of myself by cryin...

then i went to the library...

i cried again...once while sitting down...

n then after meetin ppl....

no m not homesick

n its high time i stop giving this excuse each time i cry

I am hurt...n to this day-I would have reacted exactly the same way back home with my parents...

mom...where ever u are...jus take me in ur arms and promise me u'll never leave me...bas...dont want nething more

thnks

with u by my side...i need no more...

And we think of making this place shanghai

1. a family still in the area of the constant 36 hr past terror including my grandmom who is bedridden...
2. cousins friend shot dead at Oberoi
3. Cousin at Oberoi for 36hrs
4. my parents who were to go oberoi this week
5. that story of her parents escaping Taj..n then their taxi being bombed
6. that threatre, cafe where we chilled jus about the same time 4 months ago
7. cousin who went to check for dead bodies for his friend...
8. a friends sister shot dead at Taj

We are still far from making Mumbai, Shanghai...
we rather just make it kashmir...

still not over the shock of it all...the trauma will take way more than time to settle and sink in ...

When I think like a high school kid:)

i blush wen i talk to u..
u make me smile..want to talk to u more..
i dunno if u r genuinely nice...
or jus using me to get thru shitty times...
but i do know that
i wanna know u more..
m beginning to feel again..
but m scared
of a decent friendship...
coz this feeling messes everythin up...
i kinda do like ur company...
n its weird

i dunno if this is me tryin to escape frm past or wat...
or an incentive to get me over bad memories...
but somtimes in life
u get this vibe
that some feelings are honest
n after him..
this is the first time its so happenned
that m actually having this thing...for some1...

mmmmm.............................lol............................may b i do need a break...

dear god.

i dunno y m guilty of movin on...
but i m...
i dunno y m scared of wats gonna happen next
but i m...
dad tells me i get things late in life
coz god always keeps the best for me in store
god...plz protect me from being misused...
i m really alone
n m alive with with fact that u r protecting me...
u r naa?
please dont let me do the wrong things...

n....the 2000$ and the work permit...

got a $2000 scholarhsip frm school
cheque in my hand..which goes towards my new MAC!
n lol...
my work permitttttttttttttttt
Finally!!!!

When I lit the night....

One more test that i withstood...
proud i m ...that in that pain
both physical and emotional...
i walked through the nite...

a yr and a few odd days...
proud i m..of where i m today
that i fought like always...
against what was the norm..

sometimes did the wrong
but proud i m... that eventually
got it right...n helped others
gettinit right...

life couldnt have got harder...
but proud i m ....that i m jus by myself
a few those supported though
arent nemore here today

when i lit the night...in the snow..
proud i m ...that it wasnt the warmth
of the flames...but that of my spirit...
that made me survive thorugh the cold icy winds..

in more pain than i can handle...

this has been the worst since when I was hospitalized in May...n m not feeling too good...
m scared...too scared to go get tests done still...
m in more pain than i can handle...i wish if i was home in my bed sleepin..
but as work is piling up and I have been a slacker last few weeks...here i m in the library....waiting for it to be late enough that i can go home

Jaane kyun...lol

this song reminds me of tht every single moment i spent with friends...lol

Kudos to cia aman raghav rishi aysha mansi...lol..these 3 yrs have been fun raised to n coz of u all

JAANE KYUN DIL JAANTA HAII...TU HAI TO I'LL BE ALRIGHT!:P:P:P

kuch kam roshan hai roshini
kuch kam gili hai baaraishain
kuch kam leharati hai hawa
kuch kam hai dil main kwaahishyain
tham sa gaya hai
ye waqt aise..
tere liye hi
tehraa ho jaisee...

That dream about home, and these 2 drops of tears...

For all throughout my life I knew what I wanted, what made me happy...now i dont...
Everyday here is getting difficult..as an unknown fear of losing family is getting closer to the picture...

Remember that night...all dim lighted...with dadi...with alpa did carryin darsh in her...with jiju, didi you...mom dad dancing on the disco floor...thts where you left your family...n you never saw it back that way...
Remember ..u dint cry once be4 u left...except for that when little moment wen ur sister came from behind n hugged u tight...ad couldnt explain to you y she was cryin...
How did u manage ?to pull these 2 yrs and half...how did you survive widout seeing family around...u being the jaan of the house...u being that emotional fool who was attached all along...
Remember Shaz's last visit home?Remember that call from Mananbhai...thats where you left your friends ...how do you manage not being able to wish them on occassions...how do u manage to not speak to them every single breath of difficulty you take...

Even if you do go back..things will never be the same...di- u'll never be home...jiju and alpabhen...u'll never be stayin over in my bedroom...

you are busy here; not happy...
you fun here..you grow...
but you still dream of home..

:)

Hum jo chalne lage..chale lage hain yeh raastain
ahaan haan ...munzil se behtar lagne lage hain yeh raastain

Crazy Hormones...lol

There's one situation in life thats talked about -
A situation where everything happens exactly the way you want and you are still not happy...

lol...as people have said ever since high school...I go against the flow...n thts wat is happenning to me right now...its so weird that its freaky...

everything is happening right opposite to how I wanted it to be...everything...my dreams my expectations...
but yet m soo happy...

like i dont get it...he's online ..m pissed...i fought with him...i cried ...

i never wanted to stay back...n i actually am taking the step towards stayin back for 2 more years...

I never wanted people to enter again and I am actually now for my own sake meeting newer (and perhaps nicer )people...

n none of this is mking me feel sick of life...m actually feeling like on cloud nine...i have that exact same excitement in me as in first year...n feel like its the start of a fresh beginning ...

I see people around and wonder y the frown so much...y they complain soo much...

I m actually for once after a long time genuinely smiling and happy...

Is it the start of somethin totally new?Hormones can act crazy i tell u:)

my students...i love!...

"One of the keys to happiness: is jus to have a bad memory..."(7 Habits to Highly Effective Teens)

The Zoo surprise...n the hurry burry

The rez ppl took us to the ZOO...lol...FUNNNNNNNNN!
hhehehe...there are some sights that make you take a step back to think...wow..!
so many little things that GOd has made..that we fail to appreciate...
may that even be simple helping hands now n then...
yea..life means a lot more to me now...
n now that things are getting much smoother than before...
One thing I learnt about diversity-the minute u feel u have seen enough...just then your eyes fall on that one unnoticed, though totally unique fish in that lake...Yea..in this crowd of billions...there millions like me...n a few more millions different from me...i dunno how i survive in this crowd...but i like to be part of somethin thats soo diverse...

Peter Thomas- professsor, I dont know y i do idealise you- but your wrds- "you are star" make me feel I am somethin special...the fact that a few "stars" didnt make it say a lot...u speak so little...u mean so much...u instilled the confidence in me to go challenge my limits...n i owe this achievement to you as much as i owe it to my friends and family...

N omg...that guy in my group in training...."C"i shall call him...u are one cute guy...mm dunno if u know it...but jus telling u once again...u're darn cute...

m scared...

had loads of fun...like awesome loads...
woke up this morn wid apprehensions...was a lil scared if I wanted to stay behind for good...if ey was it...all those complications after i do stay back...life's gettin funnier
Have also noticed...that no matter how less work u have...in uni..life is such..u are not allowed to be free...just when i m done my midterms...i have a shit load of so much other work to do..but i likes...the works such that it keeps me going...looking frwd to a busy weekend..

I think i crib...serious shit..!

My new motto...
positive thinking...helpin me...wen things are going good...hmm...i wanna start new things newly..
i feel kinda weird...
sometimes gettin good grades doesnt mean a thing...wen u dont see other's happiness in urs...that u finally get down to think if thats it that made a difference...i wanna feel happy but strangely m not..
i'll keep workin...
I feel my parents are the cutest thing ever...
my dad...hahah...jus kiddin darling...lala...heard him play with my baby personality after soo long...
my mom...hehehe...she's like the cutest thing ever---she made gulab jamun jus coz i miss them...lol...though not enough ppl ate it...

m thinking that my parents are the best things that ever happened to me...
mmm... feel God's given me so much happiness by default...loving parents...a sis that loves gettin angry at her lil one...uses her as a stressball and then cries wen she feels she's hurt her...omg..adorable family i tell u...

my friends...heheh...its strange how they actually make my family here...like reminding me each time if i took my keys...knowing me so well...packing my bags...reming me of my seminars...understanding why i feel what, leaving me imagine if they have some gods voice in them or somethin...

kk's message got the biggest smile on me ever...omg karthik...lol..jus omg...m glad my 96% doesnt smoke..yea m gettin possessive about him now...lol...he's nice...n i wish to know him better...

body blast:D:D:Dthe old lady fills my muscles with so much enthusiam...i have lost almost 4 pounds after coming back...which is good...i shuld get my test done soon n not slack off...jus that i dont have enough motivation..

i have been drinking really little water...yea aman i confesss

couplehood....hahaha... i read the funniest 20 pgs of my life last nite...
m sure gonna write a few things down...but i encourage reading the book rather...

manas...thnks for all the help helpin me fix her song..i love u...for taking so much time out for me to make sure m ok...u're an angel...

with 7 weeks left to home...
this is me...signing off with a note of highness...

"the most difficult phase of your life is not when no one undersatnads you...its when you dont understand urself"

Loads of love...~looking frward to the dhamaka...considering how much i love cutting vegetables for them...
~shetu

the new yr=)

1. I want to learn one new form of dance this yr...may b Salsa...
2. I want to be able to pray every single day till next yr...
3. I want to get back in touch with atleast 5 people with whom i lost touch last yr...
4. I want to burst crackers...
=)

Happy happy me me

I have been crazy busy this week with midterms ...going bad bad...one after the other...

I am in love with my myself..I am trying to play safe...and I destressed when i had to.

lots of chocolates...some weight adding...but lots of fake smiles...till a point i felt i was doing that so much that i didnt even realize i was faking it.!

markets crashing all over the world have given me some anxiety. Is this marking a huge bubble bursting of the finance sector? Will millions of people lose jobs or switch industries?will it give people the same feeling as they had of the internet world in 2000's. The loss of confidence in professionals-Has the fall of states began? Will it lose the value of my job?And will this mark the end of speculators and day traders and arbritragers?I am getting worried about u bhaiya...n trust me...the markets crashing is not giving me the rite vibe...

The EY offer party- I cant say this but i felt out of place!I wanted to meet my recruiters but couldnt find them. But I cant wait to work with them though-I want to get that feel of going to the Union station every single day...that picture perfect dream of working in that tall tower. the waking up every moring for a 2 hr commute. I cant wait for summer-This will by far gonna be the most exciting part of my life-considering I am a bee at this. I love some EY partners, down to earth...humble...I should get better at socializing though I hate it...I will try!

N hahah...i didnt realise-now I have 2 Rishi's in my life...

I m beginning to have this thing MR. 96%...I dunno why though...i have given up having a relationship...like i dont like being teased about mohit nemore...like i just want to be alone...i jus want to live my life on my own...i want to hate guys the way i had in the past...i wanna become this high school kid who cant trust new people...who cant let people come into her life...me in grade 8..ooooo...

I was thinking of that day back in school- that once wen Syl...had sat next to me to tell me stop being so depressed..Jus show me the smile...
N then i was thinking of the party...y wasnt i gettin the right vibe...may be it was me not socializing. I should get better at it...which I will as soon as I am there for work-

i want to have a guilty pleasure today-

Dear ...

i feel like i ruined ur life...but i still also feel that may be u ruined it on ur own. I still wish if we were friends...that we could have a conversation on the same table...that u would come home to ask me if my health was getting any better...that u would come back home to tell me how coming back to an empty home is creepy...that u 're scared of ur mom ....that u are scared of losing that trust ur parents have on u...that u feel i taught u the ways of life sometimes...that u would temme that u needed to walk me home even if it was that one lil block from the bus stop...coz u know the bus stop is not further than my capacity to talk and to not get u bored...that sometimes not all guys are the same...(lol..guess wat.... they are)

Its funny how whenever i bitched about u to some1 i secretly wished that you proved me wrong each time...that u know wat...u r going thru shit that people can see...that i m going thru one that people cant...that u know wat...she is ruining ur life...that u know wat...i cried the day i came to know that u didnt make it...thst u know wat...it hurt to see you smoke...that u know wat...i wish I have just one conversation with u nd that would fix everythin...that u know wat...jus ask me for help once...

So much in life i do for people that i wonder y are people rude to me...that y some1 i love dearly each time has to leave me just once they've made sure I cant do widout them....that y I forgive people to easily which lets them repeat their mistakes...that may be i give people too many "benefits of doubts"...that well may b ...my love is more that wat people need...that m sweeter than what people can handle...
A few lines that I remember...a song rather which makes sense to me again...

Zindagi main kabhi koi aaye naa rabba
Aaye jo kabhi toh fir jaye na rabba...
Dene ho agar mujhe baad main aasu
toh pehle koi hasaye na rabba...

Now + coz the day has been happy!

5 things after long-

1. uske ghar ka khana...naa actually how she took the kust of heating it up and serving it..
2. The music at HSC and the pub...it made me high..n made smile
3. Catchin up on sleep on not waking up to the alarm...YAY!!!!
4. A friend's company the entire day through
5. Me asking for help to get groceries home!!it meant somethin to me considering how i choose to be a superwoman in front of guys..
6. Catching up with 96%'s friend on the bus...lol




I am happy...gonna read a bit (couplehood..should finish it today) and then get some rest for a weekend full of studyin for labor econ...love my friends...thanks for bringing me life...

Missing ays..manas...rishi..weirdly today...that trio +1 pair we had last summer...
And guess wat...just 8 more weeks to home....excited!
:):):)

i finally talked itout

5 things-
1. I spoke to my dad n mom...after ages i spoke like a 5 yr old kid who had to say all she had been a bad bad child for.
2. I spoke to my sis...and m not tearing up anymore...it feels so good to be her sis...so proud
3. Her one story made me laugh...like really really laugh
4. Darsh..lol...dont fall again..i love u
5. Bombay Bhel with trace n lol...how they served more food to brown ppl...
6. RD's let have a bet...he makes me smile jus simply by givin me a sense that I am worth it all...
Life...i like...i love...i wanna live more...

lol and and....

my 96% love for him...hahahahahhah!

I love my friends..

5 things quickly-

1. Lol!....last nite is actually 1000 things of laughter
-that enacting evry1...best one-"quarter main kitne mahine hotain hain"
-the making of that video(which lol...i wana post somewhere for memory)
-the library till 5 a.m.
-taboo game-onta nahin re...thoda kam...hahah
-my students in the library forming their community-i love it
-my friends...simply the way they are
-my contagious hasi
-the ultimate-vibrate memories...
-my friends over ta my place not ready to sleep
-my luck with cards
-she playing reverse for everything...

2. My parents calling me up this morning from Spain just to know if I had a good exam

3. That crabb'S molten chocolate cake.

4.That early morning(not so early...12 after soo long)...Honey's call..Shazia's misscall

5. 6 days to MANHATTAN!

6.And can I add just one more-(meeting Maz on the way back at home-I didnt wanna see anyone and I am glad if was some1 who saw me in that state after my close ones-it was her)

My mickey mouse

I love this place-as if I am made for it
i cant wait to get started where ppl have given so much love...
like it matters to them..how we are ..how we r doing...

M gonna everyday of 5 things that made me smile:)

So for last nite-

1. A mom' trust on me that her daughter is fine just coz of my presence around...
2. That mickey mouse frm ey in my study cubicle at the library
3. That girl passing a note to the guy just in front of her in the cubicle by throwing chits in the air expecting it to fall on his cubicle...
4. K's...stop being a saddy(thnks!)
5. 8 more days to states-(cant wait to see u di...though wid bruised knees...hope u fix them..lol)

midterm today-LAW...makes me sleep...
lol

i hope for a good day:)

movin on-
so i shall
so i will

I want to be proud of the ppl in my life...

the problem is

y m i lloking bad in front of some1 though my intentions are right
jus coz i expressed my opinion first

y do some ppl get more than they deserve and others in need dont get anythin

i hate him...
for being rude
for being another M&M
for lying to me again n again
for hating me
his wrds- what do u want

his actions-his everythin

the problem is i cant hate some1 with a passion
the problem is I cant be rude

m excited...really excited..
i can visualize haveli rite now..
i felt for a bit i was in there...where she had blessed me for somethin so not my thing...

i remember that black n white dress....those eyebrows goin up...
i m jus so happy....u're comin...if anythin...its the thought of u around...like a dream it is
that has come true...

i remember that nite...while studying..(not reading)...wen i came back up to see those tears...

i remember those arguments...those eyes...tht trip at ur place...those 15days wid u...

he's always have thoe capacity to gimme back my smile...n that one thought has infact brought it back...

27th September...this day shall jus remain one unforgettable date...

i feel u around...n u gimme back my strength...

i want to get the summer internship offer from Ernst & Young...coz thats wat i truly want...i want to start a life whose existence is based on me...wrong decisions here n there but all mine...

i want my seminar attendance to turn up...

i want to open my eyes to see love in them...not hatred...

i want to be able to not forgive ppl for repeating their wrongs...

i want to read my mind...

i want to be able to see my parents every day...

i want to go to a family...

i want a family...

i want to learn how to skate...

i want to climb mount everest

i wish i culd call that no. again n be like hey wat u upto...lets go to garam masala...i wish i graduated with him...i miss u raghav...n i thank u for all u've done in life...
frm a rezPAL...who prolly realizes today how hard it is to be one..

n i hear myself cry...louder n louder

its so peaceful wen we keep our eyes closed...
but once we open them...boom...the reality is here...
with struggles of life getting harder n harder...
with defeat coming by after the long trials...
sometimes i feel
its jus not worth fighting..
as i cry alone every morning...
as i go stronger in the day...
as i sleep widout support at nite...
i have come to realize
that ppl will be there all along...
but the ways of life are such...
that ur trials are the ones u face alone...
coz its not time
but caring love that heals wounds...
n these wounds are felt the most
coz they had no mothering around them...
sometimes its jus not easy to accept defeat..
n sometime failure isnt a stepping stone to success
sometimes a thousand lies are powerful than one truth
n sometimes its destiny to see urself cry silently within closed doors..

the art of detaching...the new attaching

I had promised myself
if i was hurt...i will not care...i will move on...
i wanna detach frm ppl around me...i wanna fight this new battle on my own...
ppl who chose not to ask need not know...ppl who chose to silently support can still if they want to...
i wanna detach ...move away frm the world...
i hate ppl who live in it...who conviniently change facts coz their needs change...
who play wid ppl's emotions...prolly thats the reason y god has made them like that...coz they are incapable of love...of affection...that they crave for lust n desires...
i will stand up for myself...coz m totally worth it...i havent wronged ny1...n those who have will pay a price...

UTM..

So...
I should prolly just resort to bloggin...i dunno if it will serve the purpose..
though i do know that is one way i can keep account to wat i do in life..

training...intensive as usual...m glad there are ppl to help around...
my net is finally wrkin...but only on the old laptop...which means i have to the new one n get it fixed...

weird it is...i feel ironical n funny about having a guy next to me in the flight...he was back from a funeral..no i didnt feel my life was miserable or that this guy had to stop jus becoz my heart was feelin weird too at the time...but yea honestly..i have been thinkin about how grateful i m ...to ppl in general...

m disappointed about RD not callin n stuff be4 i leave...but i guess...that short message will compensate for a lot..m worried about a friend who has been fighting the temptation to play with ppl's emotions...to make a trade off between hurtin her bf n hurtin her...today m glad i m in no relationship..i feel odd...helpless..even wid guys around in my life...with friends who cant help the pain in my life...who wanna choose to let me be in one for watever reason...

I feel much stronger than before...its weird i dont miss him...with ppl talkin about him all the time...n its weirder still that i m actually handlin it well without him in life...in true sense of the word ...i feel independent...like yea...wat i achieved in Canada was mine n only mine...n now i feel it stronger that everythin i shall achieve should be mine too...whether i do come outta the mess in life or not is a different story...but i take great pride in the fact of being here alone...ppl left...n laid strong..ppl culdn help my tears ...i was still strong...

want nothin....
really nothin....
n a real real nothin....
so much in life
u do...
so many things..
u answer....
m glad
outta all the ppl in the wrld
who never get the satisfaction of friends...
u've always made sure
some of my true ones were always around...
thnk u !

a new nike tennis racket!

3 tier cake on my birthday...mananbhai's wishes

ferrari(red with Micheal's sign on it)/rangerover(aqua green or black with a customized Gucci body)