you used the word 'care' and 'respect' to define a lot of feelings today...
it has helped, such a great deal to calm those many unspoken feelings..
that may be what I have for him is the niceness I want to return...
that his opinion counts because I respect those some attributes he makes visible..
and that love was a totally different thing...too far fetched for us to discuss
or to see in a person you've bearly known or seen around other people...
that while he was distant, it was easy to for him to hide qualities
he didnt want to make visible...and that you cant love him
because there is such a possibility that he is one among those
many people you dont like too much, or are not attracted to here...
This explains why, so many people who dream of the picture perfect guy
find them in long distance or online relationships, because its now so easy
to fit in that picture perfect definition, or become something others want you to be
Thursday, December 3, 2009
you used the word 'care' and 'respect' to define a lot of feelings today...
it has helped, such a great deal to calm those many unspoken feelings..
that may be what I have for him is the niceness I want to return...
that his opinion counts because I respect those some attributes he makes visible..
and that love was a totally different thing...too far fetched for us to discuss
or to see in a person you've bearly known or seen around other people...
that while he was distant, it was easy to for him to hide qualities
he didnt want to make visible...and that you cant love him
because there is such a possibility that he is one among those
many people you dont like too much, or are not attracted to here...
This explains why, so many people who dream of the picture perfect guy
find them in long distance or online relationships, because its now so easy
to fit in that picture perfect definition, or become something others want you to be
it has helped, such a great deal to calm those many unspoken feelings..
that may be what I have for him is the niceness I want to return...
that his opinion counts because I respect those some attributes he makes visible..
and that love was a totally different thing...too far fetched for us to discuss
or to see in a person you've bearly known or seen around other people...
that while he was distant, it was easy to for him to hide qualities
he didnt want to make visible...and that you cant love him
because there is such a possibility that he is one among those
many people you dont like too much, or are not attracted to here...
This explains why, so many people who dream of the picture perfect guy
find them in long distance or online relationships, because its now so easy
to fit in that picture perfect definition, or become something others want you to be
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
these 4 yrs...
i have walked
step by step
vacation by vacation
semester by semester
with change of friends,
change of support,
change of persona
change of dreams
change of heart
change of values
I have walked thus far...
these years
i shall never forget
these days...that made me
that shaped me...
life can be
such a dream...
i have walked
step by step
vacation by vacation
semester by semester
with change of friends,
change of support,
change of persona
change of dreams
change of heart
change of values
I have walked thus far...
these years
i shall never forget
these days...that made me
that shaped me...
life can be
such a dream...
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Life's tough...but I am tougher
I woke up on Tuesday Morning with a call, and all I knew then was my sis was to undergo a brain surgery. I left for States as soon as I could, with no idea what was happening next. Life was tough on me, extremely hard. And as I got closer to what was the actual problem-I realized I was unaware of the worst.
I got to Philly where at Upenn were the best doctors for an ENT brain surgery. The only safe part was that it wasn’t a cranial surgery- a huge satisfaction. Patrishia and I got there before sis and Devang kaka did. I have never seen myself that strong. No tears, big huge smile, no thinking of the pressure, no thinking of the surgery, just transmitting as much strength as I could to di. Though at that point that strength seemed very artificial to me, it seemed to be doing wonders for all in my family. I didn’t see mom and dad cry, which added to my strength. Its funny how when a family comes together, its no longer 4* strength of 1 person. It’s much more. Till the very end-till the last second before my surgery, my sis didn’t panic, was strong, all she knew then her reports very scary, she had tumor, cancer or an infection, all with equal probabilities, and she had signed a consent which talked about the complications of the operation- the key being that the mass was hitting both her optic nerves and her brain artery.
After 2 hours once the surgery began, we got a call in waiting area from the the Surgeon(Dr Chui), telling us the mass was benign. As dad hugged an over anxious mom who had carefully controlled her tears by distracting her thoughts with prayers, I sat on the chair and my tears knew no bound. God had done it once again for me. And there wasn’t a way to thank him. Happy I have been many times in life-but nothing even remotely compared to the happiness of saving my sisters life.
5 and a half hours later the doctor came back to inform us of the huge fungal infection that had ruptured her brain, her skull and her nerves. The major chunk of it was cleaned up. The remaining safe enough to be treated with medication. I compare that moment to the situation 8 hours before, the moment just after we were told the ct scan reports scared the surgeon. My faith in God will never weaken, thanks to this one moment, this one realization of his existence.
Di is fine now-she has to still take steroids for a bit, and with all her will-power go back to her patients. She has other risks to take care of, a packing to be removed-which will be painful but my parents will be around to take care of that. I have weakened since the surgery. It was hard to see her in whichever form she was. I chickened out and decided to go back to Toronto as it was hard to see her in pain.
I’ll work hard in life to thank god for the new life he has given my sister. I love you di-I cannot tell you how much, but enough that my life would come to a standstill without you. God- you didn’t save one life on Wednesday, you saved four.
I got to Philly where at Upenn were the best doctors for an ENT brain surgery. The only safe part was that it wasn’t a cranial surgery- a huge satisfaction. Patrishia and I got there before sis and Devang kaka did. I have never seen myself that strong. No tears, big huge smile, no thinking of the pressure, no thinking of the surgery, just transmitting as much strength as I could to di. Though at that point that strength seemed very artificial to me, it seemed to be doing wonders for all in my family. I didn’t see mom and dad cry, which added to my strength. Its funny how when a family comes together, its no longer 4* strength of 1 person. It’s much more. Till the very end-till the last second before my surgery, my sis didn’t panic, was strong, all she knew then her reports very scary, she had tumor, cancer or an infection, all with equal probabilities, and she had signed a consent which talked about the complications of the operation- the key being that the mass was hitting both her optic nerves and her brain artery.
After 2 hours once the surgery began, we got a call in waiting area from the the Surgeon(Dr Chui), telling us the mass was benign. As dad hugged an over anxious mom who had carefully controlled her tears by distracting her thoughts with prayers, I sat on the chair and my tears knew no bound. God had done it once again for me. And there wasn’t a way to thank him. Happy I have been many times in life-but nothing even remotely compared to the happiness of saving my sisters life.
5 and a half hours later the doctor came back to inform us of the huge fungal infection that had ruptured her brain, her skull and her nerves. The major chunk of it was cleaned up. The remaining safe enough to be treated with medication. I compare that moment to the situation 8 hours before, the moment just after we were told the ct scan reports scared the surgeon. My faith in God will never weaken, thanks to this one moment, this one realization of his existence.
Di is fine now-she has to still take steroids for a bit, and with all her will-power go back to her patients. She has other risks to take care of, a packing to be removed-which will be painful but my parents will be around to take care of that. I have weakened since the surgery. It was hard to see her in whichever form she was. I chickened out and decided to go back to Toronto as it was hard to see her in pain.
I’ll work hard in life to thank god for the new life he has given my sister. I love you di-I cannot tell you how much, but enough that my life would come to a standstill without you. God- you didn’t save one life on Wednesday, you saved four.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I feel a terrible pang in my heart
And the more expressive I wanna be
The more I fall short of words.
Through the perseverence and caring
I gave you as I stood by your zillion things
It was very easy for you to not remember
to not notice my absence among your million friends
Though I miss you, as I have in many daily errands
when youre in my homeland, and I am closer to urs
I feel Ill never meet you again that way
That if my absence in the group meant nothing
I feel my presence also meant the same-nothing
And the more expressive I wanna be
The more I fall short of words.
Through the perseverence and caring
I gave you as I stood by your zillion things
It was very easy for you to not remember
to not notice my absence among your million friends
Though I miss you, as I have in many daily errands
when youre in my homeland, and I am closer to urs
I feel Ill never meet you again that way
That if my absence in the group meant nothing
I feel my presence also meant the same-nothing
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I sorta decided I wouldnt blog about this,
but I will..coz I cant always be miss perfect ;)
I was there, same places, same roads
At the corner of Dasman, at the museum,
I was on those roads, we went together
That one day, I want to re-live,
with that each person who made it happen
things will never be the same again,
but that day, the 28th of December
was the last day in life,
where God heard many unconscious wishes
the last day where I felt happiness,
I may never be that happy again,
I may never love you that way again,
I may reach that level of friendhsip again,
I may never meet someone like you again,
but i'll never lose hope
cause u've taught me
impossible is nothing!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
i gotta feeling...that tonights gonna be a good good night:)
proud of what you're
of everything that makes you
proud I am, seeing u've stood by
that soul that had lost everything
this is your day, your night, this is your awaited vacation
u deserve every bit of this day, every bit of this feeling
With an offer letter from Ernst & young canada,
with many thanks to those who have made this possible
this is Sweta signing off..
proud of what you're
of everything that makes you
proud I am, seeing u've stood by
that soul that had lost everything
this is your day, your night, this is your awaited vacation
u deserve every bit of this day, every bit of this feeling
With an offer letter from Ernst & young canada,
with many thanks to those who have made this possible
this is Sweta signing off..
Sunday, August 2, 2009
This means a lot to me, this moment, how not replaceable you are, how I can not forget you even if I try to, that i have no control on what i want today. Like as if this is destiny and this is written.
To this moment I confess, I have never felt as powerless as this...Its a feeling of awe, a creature like feeling submitting to the One above, you cant, just cant, go against his wish.
To this moment I confess, I have never felt as powerless as this...Its a feeling of awe, a creature like feeling submitting to the One above, you cant, just cant, go against his wish.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
At the hospital I saw- :)
God has made the world such, that it lets you see two faces of everything. He has very conveniently then let man choose which face he wishes to see. In these times of crisis, I think I have realized, how hard it is to once see the good side to everything, and anything especially those small tiny things. We complain, about friends not keeping in touch, about peoplr being rude, the way they say things, or the way they see it, the way we see it, about not having enough money, not having enough friends, not having enough opportunities, not having "ENOUGH" basically. We which if everything was according to what we wish for, or what we want things according to what we had planned for, or what our otherwise already occupied minds had envisioned. Today, if not through my eyes, then trhough my mom's I realized how wrong it is that we keep keeping the wrong things, keep getting the wrong vibes. The solution of this state of mind is simple, easy- to think right, and for once to see what God has give us and not someone else. How is has carefully made sure that your life is just plainly, by virtue of no capacity of your own, is prettier than atleast 5 people u've met in a single day, even more if u're careful enough to notice.
Happiness is weighed on a scale of expectations- the higher you expect impossible things(which u do as its God's way to help you see the difference between right and wrong), the harder and harder it gets to be happier.
Happiness is weighed on a scale of expectations- the higher you expect impossible things(which u do as its God's way to help you see the difference between right and wrong), the harder and harder it gets to be happier.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
1) some things I will forever keep private, sacred.
2)But if seeing him again-and merely touching his hand-could peel so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you're supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you're with?If the answer is no, then will the lapse of time or a change of geography really fix the problem?And regardless of the answer, what does the mere question say about my relationship with Andy?
3)"I just felt desperate to finish the school year, get in a new routine...a new place where I wasn't always reminded of Mom..."-my fav.
4)I think back to Leo's earlier comments today, about how he took himself too serious;y. Maybe that was tru, but I can also see that I didnt take myself seriously enough. and it was that lethal combinstion that made our breakup virtually inevitable.
2)But if seeing him again-and merely touching his hand-could peel so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you're supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you're with?If the answer is no, then will the lapse of time or a change of geography really fix the problem?And regardless of the answer, what does the mere question say about my relationship with Andy?
3)"I just felt desperate to finish the school year, get in a new routine...a new place where I wasn't always reminded of Mom..."-my fav.
4)I think back to Leo's earlier comments today, about how he took himself too serious;y. Maybe that was tru, but I can also see that I didnt take myself seriously enough. and it was that lethal combinstion that made our breakup virtually inevitable.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A sunday Morn, a long weekend, a bright new life
Its possible, or is it not
to take back your love
to trash it and let it go?
life is...so demanding
Its been 3 work days,
its been tiring,
its been a lot of work
some ppl annoy me
but some ppl are jus like that
in this world
with new surprises
i m still happy
I got my first client
and i was surprised
how my schedule said it was my only client
I dont care
its a huge huge bank
just perfectly as I wanted it to be
I miss my free time
And I make the most of it
when I get some
to take back your love
to trash it and let it go?
life is...so demanding
Its been 3 work days,
its been tiring,
its been a lot of work
some ppl annoy me
but some ppl are jus like that
in this world
with new surprises
i m still happy
I got my first client
and i was surprised
how my schedule said it was my only client
I dont care
its a huge huge bank
just perfectly as I wanted it to be
I miss my free time
And I make the most of it
when I get some
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Given this day- 12th May 2009
From a mail to sis
"I start work tomorrow...so this morn i went to downtown to figure out how to get there etc. Omg...I loved it! the experience of being in a train full with ppl going to work...the small streets, the dressed ppl, the busy life and the big tall towers...n me working in one of those...woowoooooo!!!!
I have said this many times before, but like I really mean it - " I cant wait to start work!Like tomorrow's the big day". When you see a dream that looks soo good, and you feel that its on its track of getting fulfilled-life's so good, u want to do everything to let it happen. :)"
So thats the reason for a very jolly me-just incase you were wondering...heheh:D
Thanks jiby, if you're reading!
"I start work tomorrow...so this morn i went to downtown to figure out how to get there etc. Omg...I loved it! the experience of being in a train full with ppl going to work...the small streets, the dressed ppl, the busy life and the big tall towers...n me working in one of those...woowoooooo!!!!
I have said this many times before, but like I really mean it - " I cant wait to start work!Like tomorrow's the big day". When you see a dream that looks soo good, and you feel that its on its track of getting fulfilled-life's so good, u want to do everything to let it happen. :)"
So thats the reason for a very jolly me-just incase you were wondering...heheh:D
Thanks jiby, if you're reading!
Friday, May 8, 2009
things culdnt get happier
memories culdnt get fonder
days couldnt get shorter
smiles culdnt ger broader
heart couldnt get heavier
life couldnt make me stronger
thank u..to whoever is above...
cant ask for any more
n where there are
such friendships that r so true,
who really needs that fake love;
n where there are
such memories that are so happy
who really needs new ones
memories culdnt get fonder
days couldnt get shorter
smiles culdnt ger broader
heart couldnt get heavier
life couldnt make me stronger
thank u..to whoever is above...
cant ask for any more
n where there are
such friendships that r so true,
who really needs that fake love;
n where there are
such memories that are so happy
who really needs new ones
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Can you hear me:)
Can You Hear Me
I'm here but I can still feel you
Sometimes I’m blind but I see you
You're here but so far away
The times when you want me Im missing
you Make me feel like I’m spinning
Sometimes you get what you gain
I’m on a coaster-collision
I am not about to give in
I can’t explain my position or the condition that I’m in.
Where I am there's no limit, no walls, no ceilings
No intermission, so
Let the party begin.
Hey.. Hey.. Hey all the way
DJ let it play.
Hey Hey Can You Hear Me?
Oooow
Don’t you mean that you’re my vision
I gotta make a decision
Do I go, do I stay?
You’ve gotten into my system
You are in control of my mental
I am in a Euphoric state
I’m on a coaster-collision
I am not about to give in
I can’t explain my position or the condition that I’m in.
Where I am there's no limit, no walls, no ceilings
No intermission, so
Let the party begin
Hey.. Hey.. Hey all the way
DJ let it play.
Hey Hey Can You Hear Me?
Can You Hear Me?
I'm here but I can still feel you
Sometimes I’m blind but I see you
You're here but so far away
The times when you want me Im missing
you Make me feel like I’m spinning
Sometimes you get what you gain
I’m on a coaster-collision
I am not about to give in
I can’t explain my position or the condition that I’m in.
Where I am there's no limit, no walls, no ceilings
No intermission, so
Let the party begin.
Hey.. Hey.. Hey all the way
DJ let it play.
Hey Hey Can You Hear Me?
Oooow
Don’t you mean that you’re my vision
I gotta make a decision
Do I go, do I stay?
You’ve gotten into my system
You are in control of my mental
I am in a Euphoric state
I’m on a coaster-collision
I am not about to give in
I can’t explain my position or the condition that I’m in.
Where I am there's no limit, no walls, no ceilings
No intermission, so
Let the party begin
Hey.. Hey.. Hey all the way
DJ let it play.
Hey Hey Can You Hear Me?
Can You Hear Me?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Work, frustration, family, hope and ☺
I don’t understand what I meant today by the words “run away”
Coz that’s precisely what I feel like today…
I feel I am standing in front of a fake mirror,
That’s showing me a picture of happiness in the future…
Its futile…and don’t want to believe it anymore
I thought this would never happen…
But whatever did, it wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t happy
I hate to see the 2 two strongest of my life go weak
And I hate to see myself get stronger
I m already a rock left with hardly any emotions
And I don’t understand when will things get better
I am risk adverse, I have realized
I hate uncertainty
And now I m that scared
That I have come to believe this is as far as I can take it
That no apology counts beyond this
That I know I don’t deserve this shit
I wont run away…Ill look at the fake mirror and make real dreams..
I wont cry, I’ll look at the world and say come defeat me if you can
I wont apologize, I’ll take a new stand of listening to what I feel is right
Tough are times…but I’ll show to Him…I am tougher!
Coz that’s precisely what I feel like today…
I feel I am standing in front of a fake mirror,
That’s showing me a picture of happiness in the future…
Its futile…and don’t want to believe it anymore
I thought this would never happen…
But whatever did, it wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t happy
I hate to see the 2 two strongest of my life go weak
And I hate to see myself get stronger
I m already a rock left with hardly any emotions
And I don’t understand when will things get better
I am risk adverse, I have realized
I hate uncertainty
And now I m that scared
That I have come to believe this is as far as I can take it
That no apology counts beyond this
That I know I don’t deserve this shit
I wont run away…Ill look at the fake mirror and make real dreams..
I wont cry, I’ll look at the world and say come defeat me if you can
I wont apologize, I’ll take a new stand of listening to what I feel is right
Tough are times…but I’ll show to Him…I am tougher!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
pain
Pain is something in life, the more you talk about the more it gets exposed. If you dont talk about it, it remains like a neverhealing wound.
I have been accused often-of sharing it too much...so for the past few months
I have left it silent, within, unspoken if not hidden...one reason I have stopped writing, commenting.
Its awesome...self realization means nothing...people never realize till something happens
till someone makes it spoken or acts in a way its there...
I have stopped demanding...I dont ask...ignore, smile and learn to say "np". Try to accept things the way they are..leave the permanence behind...and assume it will all change...and change for the better..
and did I say assume...there would like to add 2 more words...assume a fiction, it never happens...nothing really changes for the better, it changes to make you stronger.
while this laid back approach has made me largely silent and passive, it has taught me to ignore, to not think about the OBVIOUS. Maturity in today's world is very wrongly mistaken for basically letting shit happen and not complain.
I feel Gods forcing me badly to say- I wanna stop being the one who always gives up, who always loves, who always care. I now wanna be the one who receives, who's loves, who gets the caring and nurturing and who wants to smile.
Today, I remember the person I was-2 years back. Its a similar feeling and a similar visual- that of someone who has woken up every morning and slept every night crying with absolutely no1 noticing. Its a nice feeling today, coz atleast I am not accused of sharing too much.
I have been accused often-of sharing it too much...so for the past few months
I have left it silent, within, unspoken if not hidden...one reason I have stopped writing, commenting.
Its awesome...self realization means nothing...people never realize till something happens
till someone makes it spoken or acts in a way its there...
I have stopped demanding...I dont ask...ignore, smile and learn to say "np". Try to accept things the way they are..leave the permanence behind...and assume it will all change...and change for the better..
and did I say assume...there would like to add 2 more words...assume a fiction, it never happens...nothing really changes for the better, it changes to make you stronger.
while this laid back approach has made me largely silent and passive, it has taught me to ignore, to not think about the OBVIOUS. Maturity in today's world is very wrongly mistaken for basically letting shit happen and not complain.
I feel Gods forcing me badly to say- I wanna stop being the one who always gives up, who always loves, who always care. I now wanna be the one who receives, who's loves, who gets the caring and nurturing and who wants to smile.
Today, I remember the person I was-2 years back. Its a similar feeling and a similar visual- that of someone who has woken up every morning and slept every night crying with absolutely no1 noticing. Its a nice feeling today, coz atleast I am not accused of sharing too much.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
peace...
last few days have been jus...there...some form or another...
jus one of those u wanna hold but let go..
lots of uncertainty...lots of surprises...some good ones...some unacceptable..
I fought for my rights and I am pained to see the good happen...
this is exactly wat I felt a yr ago wen aunty had left me back in OPH...
everything that happened was what i hoped for...
and I prayed n prayed harder that I could undo what i asked for
My patience paid of....my voice was heard...
I have a new respect for self now...
for my rights...for everything that's mine...
I dunno how I have learnt the art to focus on one thing
U either love or u hate...decide do one...
wen u do both u end up doing really bad
but honestly...its not hard to just keep loving some1 and ignoring the tiny bits n pieces...
I have been loving him...not gettin mad at him..
jus listening like hes a baby...
who just needs that care...that attention...that smile to keep life moving...
I dunno where I m headed...but i know for sure that I am happy
jus one of those u wanna hold but let go..
lots of uncertainty...lots of surprises...some good ones...some unacceptable..
I fought for my rights and I am pained to see the good happen...
this is exactly wat I felt a yr ago wen aunty had left me back in OPH...
everything that happened was what i hoped for...
and I prayed n prayed harder that I could undo what i asked for
My patience paid of....my voice was heard...
I have a new respect for self now...
for my rights...for everything that's mine...
I dunno how I have learnt the art to focus on one thing
U either love or u hate...decide do one...
wen u do both u end up doing really bad
but honestly...its not hard to just keep loving some1 and ignoring the tiny bits n pieces...
I have been loving him...not gettin mad at him..
jus listening like hes a baby...
who just needs that care...that attention...that smile to keep life moving...
I dunno where I m headed...but i know for sure that I am happy
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Time
so I havent been blogging oflately...
been sick for a bit and then midterms..
n then just being lazy ...lol
I have started working out like crazy...
n its fun..
become really tolerant...understanding...resisted the urge to go angry
kinda proud of myself on that front...
been praying for a friend...been hoping things work out with family:)
but all in all...positiveness..in every thing i do
spoke to sisy a while ago...:D miss the times with her:p
tickets booked for May 1st..
a little apprehensive about going back home...
but it would be great to get tests done again...
see whats going on down there..lol
been sick for a bit and then midterms..
n then just being lazy ...lol
I have started working out like crazy...
n its fun..
become really tolerant...understanding...resisted the urge to go angry
kinda proud of myself on that front...
been praying for a friend...been hoping things work out with family:)
but all in all...positiveness..in every thing i do
spoke to sisy a while ago...:D miss the times with her:p
tickets booked for May 1st..
a little apprehensive about going back home...
but it would be great to get tests done again...
see whats going on down there..lol
Monday, February 23, 2009
mere saare sukh tere...tere saare dukh mere...
I remember watching her on the bed,
her scars as deep as her emotions...
screaming loudly the very unspoken pain
that lies within her core somewhere...
remember saying this before leaving her,
as ironical as god has made our lives..
that what she wanted most in her life
was placed in my lap without asking...
remember her staring at her work
remember her not cryin as we leave to say goodbye
remember her setting my alarm
so that i didnt miss my flight...
when deep within she wanted i miss it...
wanted we cry our fears out loud...
materialistic i m she says...
where I have understood wats deep within her
she still hasnt...how fearful i have been
every time i have left...
friends family home and love
that may be this is destiny ...
that everytime i meet i have to remember to part..
that somethings in life u cant do alone
that some bitterness of people u cant take alone
that some changing attitudes
need that bumchum to bitch to...
as sick as i m today
i cant complain...
n it feels like god just never fails to listen to me
when i ask something for others..
that when u told me u were scared
that u would fall sick seeing me leave
as u did when u saw dad n mom leave
and i placed that copper idol
praying and wishing
all my happiness would be urs
and all ur pain would be mine...
if only for a night..
her scars as deep as her emotions...
screaming loudly the very unspoken pain
that lies within her core somewhere...
remember saying this before leaving her,
as ironical as god has made our lives..
that what she wanted most in her life
was placed in my lap without asking...
remember her staring at her work
remember her not cryin as we leave to say goodbye
remember her setting my alarm
so that i didnt miss my flight...
when deep within she wanted i miss it...
wanted we cry our fears out loud...
materialistic i m she says...
where I have understood wats deep within her
she still hasnt...how fearful i have been
every time i have left...
friends family home and love
that may be this is destiny ...
that everytime i meet i have to remember to part..
that somethings in life u cant do alone
that some bitterness of people u cant take alone
that some changing attitudes
need that bumchum to bitch to...
as sick as i m today
i cant complain...
n it feels like god just never fails to listen to me
when i ask something for others..
that when u told me u were scared
that u would fall sick seeing me leave
as u did when u saw dad n mom leave
and i placed that copper idol
praying and wishing
all my happiness would be urs
and all ur pain would be mine...
if only for a night..
Sunday, February 15, 2009
stolen from a stolen piece in a blog...lol
"Love is something that is meant for you and you alone... and if you really love someone, you will not feel the need for it to be reciprocated!! Does not mean that you won't be happy if there is reciprocation, but there is no 'need' of it!! If loving someone makes you happy, how can anyone take away this happiness??? This happiness belongs to you.... not even that 'someone' is capable of taking it away without your permission. After one point, even if that someone is gone from your life and you decide to move on.... you will always remember how happy 'being in love' made you, this memory will help you in your bad times. This memory will help you understand so many people around you. Like the poet says at the end of the song... you can keep decorating this feeling like you will decorate a temple, till eternity!!! "
Thursday, February 12, 2009
As I wait for my flight… 12Feb 2009 3:18p.m.
So I realized I had nothing better to do than blogging…and thought I might as much considering updating ppl is important!
Hmm…intense 2 weeks…assignments everywhere…On an average I survived on 5 hrs of sleep, with an occasional fatigue requiring 10 hrs till I opened my eyes…
I didn’t eat at home even once…did no cookin….went outside with friends most of the time…
Got the Capstone thing fixed..and in a moment of fit decided to leave for the states…all it took was one phone call…its funny how intense planning doesn’t work..one phone call does…
I m struggling to cope up with myself..I am almost unware and unbothered about my surroundings…its not a good thing but may be that’s what work pressure does to u…
I had a horrible round of salsa this week…was an episode of comedy with me being unable to balance myself…I find a few things hard…I know I was trouble to both the instructor and also other guys…but all- in all it gives me fun break from work and assignments…
My temperament has been high all week…I am not surprised why. But I like it…my anger is coming out in the right form, its directed towards the right people…the cause of the anger more often than not bears the brunt of my temper …
I pray for a good stay in NY, I pray for some good times with my sis and Sherin, I hope I keep my calm and resist the very usual temptation of getting angry
Hmm…intense 2 weeks…assignments everywhere…On an average I survived on 5 hrs of sleep, with an occasional fatigue requiring 10 hrs till I opened my eyes…
I didn’t eat at home even once…did no cookin….went outside with friends most of the time…
Got the Capstone thing fixed..and in a moment of fit decided to leave for the states…all it took was one phone call…its funny how intense planning doesn’t work..one phone call does…
I m struggling to cope up with myself..I am almost unware and unbothered about my surroundings…its not a good thing but may be that’s what work pressure does to u…
I had a horrible round of salsa this week…was an episode of comedy with me being unable to balance myself…I find a few things hard…I know I was trouble to both the instructor and also other guys…but all- in all it gives me fun break from work and assignments…
My temperament has been high all week…I am not surprised why. But I like it…my anger is coming out in the right form, its directed towards the right people…the cause of the anger more often than not bears the brunt of my temper …
I pray for a good stay in NY, I pray for some good times with my sis and Sherin, I hope I keep my calm and resist the very usual temptation of getting angry
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Flirtness and commitment
I love how your status on facebook determines your eligibility to be public property...
That if you know that some1 is single, you can go up to them and flirt around with them like its nobody's business!
A friend of mine was flirting with me today, which I tried making fun of..was ok compared to the one last nite...where I actually was inclined to lie that I was dating some1 n had a boyfriend who would kill him if he knew that he felt that I was lookin hot..
I thought for once what it means to be committed...why people actually do get committed...y people make their lives public on facebook...and lol...y i have started hating going to these campus club events...
Commitment-this word has added a new meaning to me...long term or foreseeing...its weird when you get that feeling when its unspoken..uncalled for...when its one-sided but it just happens because of the love that's given to you...
no I am not public property...u dont have to be with some1 to be called not-single or not flirt material...
n uuummm....great weekend! Hard work from the last few days especially yest. fruitful...sometimes ill cherish till the end life-time..
~muahzz to u b'day girl...n my 'jerry' friend:D
That if you know that some1 is single, you can go up to them and flirt around with them like its nobody's business!
A friend of mine was flirting with me today, which I tried making fun of..was ok compared to the one last nite...where I actually was inclined to lie that I was dating some1 n had a boyfriend who would kill him if he knew that he felt that I was lookin hot..
I thought for once what it means to be committed...why people actually do get committed...y people make their lives public on facebook...and lol...y i have started hating going to these campus club events...
Commitment-this word has added a new meaning to me...long term or foreseeing...its weird when you get that feeling when its unspoken..uncalled for...when its one-sided but it just happens because of the love that's given to you...
no I am not public property...u dont have to be with some1 to be called not-single or not flirt material...
n uuummm....great weekend! Hard work from the last few days especially yest. fruitful...sometimes ill cherish till the end life-time..
~muahzz to u b'day girl...n my 'jerry' friend:D
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
the word that makes me feel secure...
I know y i keep doubting..
Why I keep shifting possibilities...
balance where I look for...
the word that will ever give meaning
will give the security..
from both you n me...
but if different people want different things
the world shifts...
i dunno the reason..
i only know the effect...
either i change what i want
or i change who i want it from..
or shuld i wait till u want the same..
I knw though..
m getting impatient
I culd wait..if only i had that word
that others do and i dont...
coz there's u n me
but different needs..
Why I keep shifting possibilities...
balance where I look for...
the word that will ever give meaning
will give the security..
from both you n me...
but if different people want different things
the world shifts...
i dunno the reason..
i only know the effect...
either i change what i want
or i change who i want it from..
or shuld i wait till u want the same..
I knw though..
m getting impatient
I culd wait..if only i had that word
that others do and i dont...
coz there's u n me
but different needs..
Friday, January 23, 2009
intuitions...intuitions...
from what i have seen of myself...my level of honesty
I think I have this power now to predict things...
here it is...all back to square one in front of my eyes...
As prepared I was yest. I may be a little hesitant compared to that...
However, there are no tears now...there's an explanation ...and sooner than later
there also will be acceptance..
plans for the day to read...go out for some shopping and smiling when i can:)
I think I have this power now to predict things...
here it is...all back to square one in front of my eyes...
As prepared I was yest. I may be a little hesitant compared to that...
However, there are no tears now...there's an explanation ...and sooner than later
there also will be acceptance..
plans for the day to read...go out for some shopping and smiling when i can:)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
hints hints...i get them
life is routine...
times are gonna get hard...m prepared..
Its like Salsa..lol...where the guy leads...he presses your back to tell you its gonna turn...
I feel the moves...but I have had so much goodness that the swirls and twists will only rock my life further...
I am contended with life...May be a little happy...except for being defeated in gotcha...(annoying conspiracies)
times are gonna get hard...m prepared..
Its like Salsa..lol...where the guy leads...he presses your back to tell you its gonna turn...
I feel the moves...but I have had so much goodness that the swirls and twists will only rock my life further...
I am contended with life...May be a little happy...except for being defeated in gotcha...(annoying conspiracies)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
dreams on fire...higher and higher...
You Are My Waking Dream, You' re All Thats Real To Me
You Are The Magic In The World I See
You Are In The Prayer I Sing, You Are In to my knees
You Are The Faith That Makes Me Believe
Dreams On Fire, Higher N Higher
Passions Burning, Right On The Path,
Once For Forever Yours
In Me, All Your Heart,
Dreams On Fire, Higher N Higher
You Are My Ocean Waves, You Are My Thought Each Day
You Are The Laughter From Childhood Games
You Are Spark of dawn, You Are Where I Belong
You Are Make Me Feel In Every Song
Dreams On Fire, Higher N Higher,
Passions Burning, Right On The Path
Once For Forever Yours,
In Me All Your Heart,
Dreams On Fire, Higher N Higher
Thursday, January 8, 2009
once hurt...twice careful
From this day,
I have really decided to stick to my ethics n...my passion for textbooks...
I feel its hard...to concentrate on everything at the same time...but the paper pen approach seems to work...
feel i have severe breathing issues...I am waiting for the weather to get better...or to get the divine inspiration to go buy the humidifier...
I had a day with just 1 hr of class..
my first experience with students today ever since I got back...like as if the routine is just setting in...
I love the feeling of coming back from home...
I am pinched at many points...I have decided to feel the pain till I learn not to forgive people...I have given up...on having friends...good friends...
i wanna protect the ones I have made so far in life...n I wanna see them smile as they have seen me...
I also want it put this across, that I am not vulnerable...I am just too nice on face to show people I am not...I am not stupid...i am just too polite enough to show that I know they're lying.
At this point...I expect nothing for people...n neither from myself...I just want to see my nani get back home as soon as possible...a week more in hospital doctors say...long...long time...
I have really decided to stick to my ethics n...my passion for textbooks...
I feel its hard...to concentrate on everything at the same time...but the paper pen approach seems to work...
feel i have severe breathing issues...I am waiting for the weather to get better...or to get the divine inspiration to go buy the humidifier...
I had a day with just 1 hr of class..
my first experience with students today ever since I got back...like as if the routine is just setting in...
I love the feeling of coming back from home...
I am pinched at many points...I have decided to feel the pain till I learn not to forgive people...I have given up...on having friends...good friends...
i wanna protect the ones I have made so far in life...n I wanna see them smile as they have seen me...
I also want it put this across, that I am not vulnerable...I am just too nice on face to show people I am not...I am not stupid...i am just too polite enough to show that I know they're lying.
At this point...I expect nothing for people...n neither from myself...I just want to see my nani get back home as soon as possible...a week more in hospital doctors say...long...long time...
Friday, January 2, 2009
satisfaction...
I came into Doha expecting nothing, i had a fear that things would change, this trip would be special...so it was..
I am satisfied...there's a feeling a contentment..
I knw that a few things given a thought would make me unhappy...I choose today, not to care about such things...to take them as they come...and not think about them...friends have told this to me all the while...today its jus added some value...
I had fun...spent quality time with mom dad friends...
but most importantly...i got my answers to soo many questions...its like the air is clear...its as if the ball is in my court now and I can act either way as per my convenience to make self happy..After a long time I feel the power is mine...
We fear uncertainty...that adds fear...like many others, thats what makes me unstable...but when you knw for sure...good or bad...the story is clear...there's no uncertainty...there is no fear...at this point comes acceptance...and I m on my way to do the same...
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